“Being Mean”: The Power of Constructive Criticism

“Being Mean”: The Power of Constructive Criticism

A friend told me "I’m regularly told I’m “being mean”. Probably at least daily. Normally this is slung at me from one of my children. Most strict parent, do experience this too . The accusation comes for a litany of crimes – chivvying them to get up, eat breakfast or encouraging them to do their homework or pointing out an error in their math or spelling. They perceive all this as criticism. They tend not to distinguish between positive and negative criticism.

This distinction is also often under appreciated at work. Lets face it; most of us don’t like to be criticized. Furthermore, most of us don't like to give potentially difficult feedback to others either. It creates potentially confrontational and stressful situations that most of us would rather avoid.

But to get better we need a stimulus. Constructive criticism at work (and school) is the equivalent of training in sports. When you train for a sport the only way to run further, faster, jump higher, hit harder etc. is to train in ways that push your limits. That usually hurts a little bit – that is the stimulus. Then you recover. And if you get the mix of training and recovery - and nutrition - right, you get better over time. At work we need good, candid constructive criticism – that is the stimulus that drives our development.

However, it’s still a tricky thing to get right. Here are three approaches to providing constructive feedback that can help get the balance right.



1. Frequent

Engage early and often. In fact, ideally strive for immediacy. Provide prompt constructive criticism in bite-sized chunks. For example, when driving away from a client meeting you could say: “Hey Tim, I thought you were a bit quiet in the meeting. I know you have some really good insights into their business, it would be great if you shared them a little more.” This is so much better than waiting for the 6-month (or worse the 12-month) review and then telling the person, “You’re too quiet in client meetings and therefore the clients aren’t valuing you as much as I’d hoped.” Bam. That’s a big hit and it may even be too late to rectify the situation.

To use the sports performance example again: if you have a big event in 3 months, do you wait until the week before and then do five back-to-back 8-hour training sessions? No, of course not. That would destroy you physically and leave no time for recovery. The stimulus would be totally overwhelming. No. Instead you break the training into steady increments over the 12 weeks, such that ideally but the time you get to the “event”, it’s not too big a deal. It's the same with critiquing: provide a frequent drip-feed of suggestions versus a single onslaught of feedback during an arbitrary review session.

2. Focused

The more specific and actionable your critique is, the better. To extend the example above, you could say: “When we started talking about the client’s international business; that would have been the perfect time for you to jump in and share what you’ve learned about their operations in Asia.” This specificity makes it much easier for the recipient to internalize the critique and to think about how to apply the lessons they’re learning.

It is much easier to focus on smaller, more tangible specific actions that build up into a bigger whole. When you make these smaller course corrections earlier, it makes it much easier to stay on the right track. I was recently on a white water rafting and kayaking trip and noticed that while the rafts and kayaks are constantly spinning in the rapids; small, quick course corrections would keep them on track with minimal effort. However, it you waited too long the momentum of the spin required a lot of effort to correct. It's the same with performance and behaviors – prompt, subtle adjustments are far better. Go early, go often and be specific.

3. Friendly

There’s a long tradition of saying “sorry its business, its not personal.” I don’t really buy this. Of course it’s personal! If you spend 50%+ of your waking time on something, if you care about your company, your work and your performance: of course it’s personal. So instead of trying – unsuccessfully – to be impersonal, lean into the human dimension. Show that you are providing this feedback precisely because you care about the person. One of the best ways to do this is to empathize. For example, “I know this might be a bit hard to hear, but can I share one suggestion that might be useful.” Or, “I’ve struggled with this issue myself.” It doesn’t have to be cheesy – it’s not a Hallmark moment - just heartfelt and sincere. If your team member or your peer really believes you have their best interests at heart, it's a lot easier for them to hear your critique and lean into it.

If you really care about your company and your colleagues, you owe it to them to give them frequent, focused and friendly constructive criticism. It makes them better and with luck they will also reciprocate and give you the same kind of feedback and help you get better too.

In reality, “being mean” is quite the opposite from the preconception – if you really want to be mean? Don’t help someone get better. Don’t provide them with prompt, constructive feedback. Just wait to hit them over the head with a tidal wave of generalized criticism at some distant “annual review” when it is way too late. Who wants to do that?

An obvious question is: “How about the other side of the coin: praise?” In another article I’ll talk about praise, its various forms and some ideas for how to weave praise and constructive criticism together.